From the beginning
Growing up as a child I became aware that my penis wasn’t “normal.” This was evident though comparison. There seemed to always be that kid who would proudly whip his circumcised penis out for the world to see (not to mention the porno that I would sneak a peek at when nobody was home). I believe that these events were what made me conscious of the fact that I was “uncircumcised.” This was tough to deal with because I already felt different at that age, but it wasn’t until my teenage years that I suffered a whole new level of shame and confusion.
My parents never informed me that I was uncircumcised and it wasn’t really clear to me what that even meant until around my middle school years. Anybody who was in the same boat would gladly tell me that it wasn’t a problem, and that it just meant that I would have to put more effort into “keeping it clean” and “just make sure to pull it back when in the shower.” That’s when things became even more evident. Once I’ve acquired the knowledge on how to keep it clean, I realized that there was in fact a problem – my foreskin would not simply pull back. The harder I tried the more it would hurt. I would try until my penis was tender and sore, and after a while, I just stopped thinking about it. I wanted to believe that something like this would correct itself over time, but I knew there was something unusual going on, that would weigh on me, and subconsciously affect my confidence. In sum, this made the idea of having sex a complete nightmare.
During those early days, I also noticed something else peculiar about me – it seemed that my penis formed a banana shaped arch when in the erect state. This curvature could be forced straight if I applied pressure with my palms, but it would immediately return back to shape once released. It’s funny because I wore tight jeans and briefs back then and suspected that it was that combination that curved my penis.
So in my later teenage years I managed to get a few girlfriends with mixed results. To my surprise it really didn’t affect things too much, and these girls seemed okay with it. It just so happened that my foreskin was so tight that there was no problem inserting it. Anyway, I just went on pretending that there wasn’t any problem -although it did start taking its toll on me in my 20’s.
I became increasingly unhappy with this issue (to put it lightly). I was angry with my parents for not getting me circumcised. I was fed up with the ritual of having to squeegee out the residual urine that would get trapped in the tight foreskin every time I pissed. I couldn’t stand the itchiness of it, the fishy smell, or even the sight of it. I became so full of shame and anger that I removed all awareness of this area. Basically, I wouldn’t look at it if I didn’t have to and I would avoid any avenues that could lead to sex.
What I found perplexing was that my foreskin had a lot of elasticity to it except for the very tip. The foreskin tapered to a cone-like point leaving a hole the width of a pencil. I found that this dense ring of tissue was too difficult to stretch. At one point I even constructed a device using a clamp and a hangar to insert into my foreskin. Once inside, I would stretch the opening as I twisted the clamp wider. After doing this for a few months, the hole opened a small amount (and the process was very uncomfortable, as you can imagine). I pretty much put this issue on the back burner, thinking that if I ever ran into a lot of money, I would eventually pay to have the problem corrected.
A few years passed and I was still ignoring the issue. The itch I had was unbelievable, and I would put my hands in my pockets and grab the tip of my foreskin to viciously pinch and twist the skin to make it stop. I finally could not stand it anymore and decided to act.
I had a friend who worked for a grocery store known for its good employee benefits. So I applied there in hopes of gaining health insurance and ended up getting hired. Right away I began researching everything I could about my condition. I learned all of the terminology (in preparation for meeting with a doctor) so that I could tell the surgeon exactly what was going on.
Peyronie’s disease was a popular term in the world of penis problems, but I knew that wasn’t the right diagnosis for me. Although the disease involved a curvature, it was usually associated with painful erections and “plaque” development on the inside of the penis – the overall description of the condition didn’t match. Throughout my research, the term “Phimosis” kept coming up as well. This very general name was usually in reference to the foreskin’s lack of retractability. Finally, I then came across a more appropriate term for my problem – Preputial Stenosis (A cone-shaped foreskin , or prepuce, with a fibrotic, circular band that forms around the most distal and narrowest part of the prepuce making retraction impossible).
There was also something else bothering me, when I tried my hardest to pull back my foreskin, it seemed to always be halted by this strand of skin that connected directly under the head of my penis. This I later found out was the Frenulum (An elastic band of tissue under the head or glans that connects to the foreskin and helps contract the prepuce over the glans). It turned out that the same issue that affected my foreskin, and made it’s tip tight and small, also affected the frenulum. This made it very dense and short. I realized that my curvature was formed from a lifetime of erections being restrained by this short leash of tissue. Understanding how this worked confirmed that Peyronie’s disease was not what brought about my curvature.
I spent a lot of time reading message boards on the problem with very few solutions, other than getting cut, so at this point a circumcision was the only way I could see fixing both the tight foreskin, and the restrictive tissue preventing my penis from getting a breath of fresh air. So I started reading as many before/after stories as I could, even though most of them were vague or just sales pitches.
I did find out that there were different types of circumcisions, varying in the amount of skin that’s left over and whether the procedure was performed using a clamp device or by freehand scalpel. I came across a lot of anti-circumcision messages telling horror stories of what could go wrong. Stories included: loss of some, or all, sensation, skin tunnels left in place of where the suture was used, the head of the penis fusing to the shaft skin, and the possibility of having too much foreskin removed.
I tried not to think about everything that could go wrong, and learn about how much circumcisions cost. However, every webpage had a different price, or every single story had a different range. I saw anything from $200 to $9000 depending on the location, whether the surgery was performed in a standard hospital room (or a doctor’s personal suite), and depending on what type of anesthesia was used. When it came to anesthesia I learned that there is local anesthesia (that involves an injection right at the site of surgery), and there is general anesthesia (that puts you to sleep). However, in some cases both were used simultaneously.
Six months had passed and I was fully covered from my employer. I thought I should at least try to call some places and find out how to get this circumcision started. I always had some level of social anxiety and found it difficult to communicate what I wanted to say, but I had to move forward. I began calling local urology centers to talk to doctors, but what I ended up doing was talking to many confused female secretaries. This went on and off for a while until one woman said “Sir, you can’t just call a urologist and expect a surgery. You need to go to a doctor and tell him your issues. If he feels you need to see a urologist, he will refer you to one.”
Well at least now I had some direction. I had no doctor at this point and this seemed like the perfect time to take advantage of my insurance. I forced myself to call the closest possible doctor’s office to retain a physician. It really wasn’t as difficult as I expected, and only took about 10 minutes. For my next move, I decided to really get the terminology down (even though I was full of doubt and anxiety).
When the day finally arrived I tried to stay relaxed as I drove to the doctor’s and waited patiently for my appointment. When I was summoned to enter I got my whole story straight and tried to stay as clear as possible. I was there with him for only a few minutes before he asked me what the issue was. I immediately started telling him the details and it went something like this: Well, you see, I’m uncircumcised and I have this condition that prevents my foreskin from retracting. He nodded so I went on: From my internet research I’ve found that the condition is called Preputial Stenosis, and that circumcision is the best route to take to remedy the situation. To do so, I would need a referral to a Urologist. That’s why I’m here. He then asked if I would lower my pants so that he could see what I was talking about. After a quick look, he said he knew a good urologist, and setup an appointment for me. I started asking him about pricing because I didn’t have a lot of money. I told him that I think my insurance only covers things that are medically necessary and that I bet Phimosis is considered cosmetic. He looked at me confusingly, so I continued. Well I mean I’m not experiencing any pain or anything, so I don’t think my insurance would cover this. He then said the best thing I ever heard, “OH believe me…YOU’RE in pain. This IS medically necessary.” After he said that, I realized for the first time that my condition was medically necessary. That changed everything for me.
He was extremely confident that my insurance would cover it, despite the fact that I decided to go with the cheapest health package. I was exited at this point and wheels seemed to be in motion (even though I knew I still had a long road ahead of me).
Two weeks later I had my mother drive me to the Urologist because she knew the area better. I was able to bypass most of my nervousness by constantly visualizing a world without phimosis. The doctor was very straight and to the point answering my questions. I asked him about the different types of circumcisions and that the typical one babies receive is the one I felt was best, he agreed. I asked about the skin tunnels that could form from suture that doesn’t dissolve quickly enough. He assured me that that was a thing of the past. I talked with him about anesthesia and how it was cheaper to go with local. He said that he would use both local and general anesthesia so that I would be knocked out for the surgery and experience less pain afterwards. He also said that the surgery would be taking place at a hospital and would be an outpatient procedure (meaning that I would go home the same day). He did bring up something that terrified me though, while he examined my penis and attempted to retract the foreskin, he said something like “there seems to be some wartage.” I was shocked by the statement and uttered; um…you mean genital warts? He calmly nodded. However, he said it could also be something else, such as a bacterial infection known as Balanitis.
He setup the date for the surgery, and for the next 3 weeks I tried not to think about the possibility of an STD. The fact that I was so embarrassed and disconnected from my penis that I didn’t even notice the bumps on inner tip of my foreskin was bothering me. Before the day of the operation there was a pre-op examination that took place. I had my blood pressure taken, my blood drawn, and my heart rate checked out. I mentioned that I tend to faint from blood tests, so the nurse let me lay down (I looked the other way while she drew the blood).
The day of the surgery I was asked to wear light clothing and to have somebody drop me off and pick me up. So I called my mother again and had her bring me. I never had surgery before, so the whole process was overwhelming. Once I got there I waited in a room with a small group people waiting to be taken to surgery as well.
Soon I was called into an office to speak with a nurse. I felt that it would be helpful the night before the surgery to shave off all my pubic hair, so I told her this, and she seemed slightly alarmed. She immediately asked if there were any razor burn or cuts. I told her there were some marks. She seemed concerned and let me know that what I did was unnecessary and could complicate things.
The next person who showed up had the task of hooking me up to an IV. The needle hurt and I’m kind of nervous around them. However, I survived the blood test the previous day, so I was ready for this. Soon after I saw my urologist walked in. He introduced me to a male and female nurse that would be assisting him in the surgery. The male nurse informed me that he was going to run a light anesthesia though my IV that should make me feel good and a sleepy. They began to wheel my bed down the hallways like in the movies and I was having a great time. To my surprise the surgery room was very brightly lit with nice wooden bookcases and was nothing like the dark dramatic ones you see on TV. They placed a mask over my face and told me to count backwards from 100. I think I was out by 91.
Waking up on a bed in a different room with a receptionist in front of me was interesting. I felt kind of sleepy and my throat hurt, which was a side effect of the anesthesia. After a while, they asked if I would like some juice or soda. I requested water and downed it quick. I asked if I could go to the bathroom and the nurse agreed. I was woozy and didn’t know what to expect. So when I moved my gown to the side to piss, I noticed that my penis was tightly bound in gauss with just my bright red head sticking out. I experienced no pain whatsoever.
I entered the hospital at 11:30 AM and went home at 5:00 PM. Even thought the surgery itself was under an hour, I was left knocked out for several. When it was time to go home I was given a prescription for Oxycodone and also a tube of Bacitracin to apply to the scar. I never took a painkiller before, but I didn’t object. I was able to walk fine and communicate, but that whole day felt like it was a dream
I was told that the bandage was to be removed in 24 hours by taking a shower. They suggested that I face the opposite way in the shower and just allow the gauss to get wet from the water dripping down my body, as opposed to direct contact. I was advised not to take a bath either, because that amount of soaking could dissolve the suture too soon. As I began to remove the layers, I was watching the dried up blood loosen and go down the drain.
Once removed, I saw basically what looked like a bright red cap crudely stitched to where the tip of my penis used to be. The color difference was massive and I was very squeamish from the water touching it. From what I read, the glans is a mucus membrane just like your eyeball, so getting circumcised is like having your eyelids cut (and if anything touched the head, it was like touching your eyeball with your finger). My penis was so sensitive that I thought it would take years for the head to feel normal. The process from which softer tissue becomes more callused is called Cornification.
I requested 2 weeks off from work before the surgery and I spent them walking around the house with a pair of long johns (I cut a hole in the crotch area for everything to hang out and I just covered my dick with a baseball hat). If my weighted, bloated penis touched ANYTHING, it would make me twitch, and funny sounds come out of my mouth. I was not in a lot of pain, just very uncomfortable. I did take the painkillers a couple of times, specifically for the intense itch. Soon I had to work again and I even purchased a sports cup to wear under my jeans. Erections were so uncomfortable that I gained the ability to will them away after a few weeks. The healing process was very rapid, and that extreme sensitivity was almost gone in one month. However, along the scar line I would sometimes feel sharp little stabs from certain angles.
One month later was the post-op examination; my Urologist looked over my penis and said that the surgery went well. He also told me that my foreskin was sent out to be tested and that the wartage was Balanitus (and not an STD). This was great news, and since the infection was cut off with the foreskin, I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I asked about the sharp feelings I’d get from time to time. He said it was from the harder scarred tissue cells grinding against the normal cells and that it would go away with time.
I received my hospital bills in the mail and I was shocked to find that the total of the surgery, anesthesia, use of the hospital room, and a long list of “Hospital Incidentals” was $7,331.53. I noticed that first my place of work put up about $1500 as part of their health care plan, and then Aetna insurance put out $4855.70. In the end, I had to pay $980 out of pocket. I happened to have about $1000 in the bank, so it all seemed to work out. The receipt from the Urology Center listed the surgery as “CIRC NO CLAMP/DORSL SLIT;” so I guess he went for the freehand scalpel method.
It’s now been eight months since my surgery and everything feels okay. However, I still have a curvature when erect, but it’s still better then what I had to deal with. Even though I am now circumcised, I still have a personality that was shaped by years of shame and embarrassment. When I imagined getting circumcised, I had always thought I’d become incredibly confident. Not exactly the case, but I am much more comfortable.
A lot of people talk about loss of sensation when it comes to being circumcised, but what I’ve found is that it’s more of a change of sensation. Also, at the time of this story, I still have not engaged in any sexual activity (so I can’t really comment about that).
I recommend that if you’re in the situation that I was in, that you try to get a job that offers full health benefits. Use the information I’ve provided to gain the confidence to get circumcised. The most painful part of the whole process was ripping off the bandage on my arm where the IV was inserted – so don’t be afraid. Even if you hold similar levels of anxiety that I do, you will be able to conquer this experience. Be aware that this was MY experience, and that it might not go the same way for everyone.
Thanks to all those who provided support though this experience and also to my brother for helping me edit this damn story.
Below is a list of terminologies and internet links:
“Phimosis”
(Preputial Stenosis)
cone-shaped foreskin (prepuce) with a fibrotic, circular band that forms around
the most distal and narrowest part of the prepuce making retraction impossible
(Frenulum)
elastic band of tissue under the head (glans) that connects to the foreskin
and helps contract the prepuce over the glans
(Circumcision)
removal of some or all of the foreskin (prepuce) from the penis
(Frenectomy)
removal of a frenulum, a small fold of tissue that prevents an organ
in the body from moving too far
(Mininal Circumcison)
to remain functionally and cosmetically uncircumcised, albeit with a slightly shorter
foreskin. reasons may include the removal of a small tight band of skin that makes
retraction impossible or difficult, or reducing a long foreskin to a more average one
(Partial Circumcision)
reduces the foreskin to one which is at the short end of the range of foreskins.
When flaccid, part of the head remains exposed and the meatus (opening of the urethra)
is almost never covered
(Loose Circumcision)
will fully expose the glans most of the times, but sometimes will still get covered
partially when the penis shrinks below its normal flaccid state. some loose skin remains
bunched up against the rim when soft. once erect, the skin is not extremely tight and can
still be moved a fair amount
(Moderate Circumcision)
“average” circumcision. the head never gets covered, except just a bit when penis is
extremely small (very cold water for instance). some skin may bunch up at the rim,
but will generally be of lesser diameter than the rim of the glans. generally the male
would still be able to pull some skin to the rim of head, but not over it.
(Tight Circumcision)
little of no loose skin on the shaft. when hard, there is little or no movement
of the shaft skin which is very thin and tight.
(General Anesthesia)
treatment that puts you to sleep during medical procedures,
so you don’t feel or remember anything that happens
(Local Anesthesia)
or “regional anesthesia” involves the injection or application of an
anesthetic drug to a specific area of the body,
as opposed to the entire body and brain as occurs during general anesthesia
(Stitch Tunnel)
or suture tunnel, a common complication of circumcision in which “tunnels”
of skin remain from the sutures. These pockets remain susceptable to infection
for the entire life of the mutilation victim
(Skin Bridge)
common complication of circumcision in which part of the remaining skin heals
by attaching to the glans, forming a “bridge” of skin
(Cornification)
conversion of cells to hard tissue: the conversion of skin cells into keratin
or other horny material such as nails or scales
(Urologist)
physician who specializes in diseases of the urinary organs in females and
the urinary tract and sex organs in males. Also called a urological surgeon.
(“n” or “j” Curve)
downward curve
(“u” Curve)
upward curve
LINKS:
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Adult+circumcision
http://www.male-initiation.net/phimosis_summary.html#start
http://www.circlist.com/styles/scarstyles.html
